Your Commitment is Everything

Eight years ago I was in Italy. It was my first trip back since graduating with my Master's.

What was meant to be a light-hearted trip when I booked the flight, quickly turned into a massive perspective shift. Turns out.... I had gone back to Italy more to run away than anything.

It was only in the days leading up to my trip that I was able to finally admit the truth. I was fucking miserable. Depressed. Dying inside. Sleeping almost constantly. Doing anything and everything to avoid the life I found myself living.

 I remember talking to a friend on Memorial Day, just before I left the country, about how miserable I felt. I even admitted that maybe I needed to leave my boyfriend. She reflected back to me that I was crazy: I had a {more than ideal} job with an amazing salary, benefits, and incredible flexibility. My boyfriend was stable, adored me and brought such joy to my life. I was surrounded by a loving and supportive community. I was young and incredibly healthy. I traveled where, when, and how I desired. 

Was I crazy?

Everything looked amazing on the outside. But amazing didn’t feel this way…. Or, did it? Hell, if this was as good as it got…. I could have stayed put. At least then I’d be near family. 

It was the first evening in Italy that I broke. I’ll never forget sitting on top of the Duomo in Milan. The feeling of the cold, hard marble roof beneath me. The fresh air swirling around me. The warmth of the sun on my skin as it began its descent over the horizon. The indistinguishable flow of voices around me speaking all of the languages. And the painful hole that I finally allowed myself to feel.

Thankfully, my oversized sunglasses covered the constant stream of tears as I admitted to myself that I couldn’t go back. I wasn’t willing to let this be it. I couldn’t live with this emptiness and this numbness any longer. I craved something. Something bigger. Something a little more…. Bri.

I spent two weeks wandering around Italy,revisiting all my old spots, catching up with friends, and getting really intimate on how I had gotten to where I was at. I thought about how many compromises I had made of my values, how I had allowed myself to concede to the ‘should’s in life, how I had quieted my desires. 

And more than anything, how I had constantly been on the run.

I ran to attend college a year early because it wasn’t high school or my hometown. I ran to study in Italy because it wasn’t college. I ran to Washington because it wasn’t Minnesota. I ran back to Italy because it wasn’t my present reality.

I had based my entire life around what I did NOT want my reality to be. But I had never consciously made decisions to create the reality I desired. Fuck. I didn’t even KNOW the reality I desired. 

Toward the end of my trip, I visited the Ponte Vecchio, the only original bridge remaining in Florence. It was one of my personal favorites because the shops along both sides of the bridge were filled with gold, silver, and precious gemstones. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, right? ;-)

I had found one shop that was totally my style. Innovative. Bold. Unique. And utterly unmistakable. I walked out just 30 minutes later with a new addition to my life, an addition that I would continue to wear every day for eight years (and beyond)--an addition I used as a catalyst.

The ring would remind me daily of my commitment to stop running and start creating. 

Eight years later, I still wear this ring every day.

Every morning, when I get up and put this ring on, I’m reminded of the commitment, and of why I am here.  It helps me every day to shed the expectations of the world, to live MY live, and to support women to do the same, in a time when the possibilities for us to create our desired reality is almost limitless….. Because I know that the majority of our world still lives by the constraints and constructs of what is deemed appropriate and acceptable by our society. I am simply unwilling to allow this to be the norm any longer. 

I know the world around you, and around me, is constantly saying: “Stay in line, do not question anything, keep your dreams in the ethers, stay where you are….. it’s safer.”

“To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best, night and day, to make you 'everybody else' means fighting the hardest battle any human being can fight.”

The first step in the leap process is always a commitment. It’s a commitment to yourself, to your purpose, to your desires. It’s saying , “I am unwilling to pretend any longer. I am unwilling to run or hide or numb out. I choose myself. I choose my desires. I choose to listen to the whisper (or shout) that there is something more available to me. I choose that. And I am unwilling to accept any less.”

It’s that moment when you get to choose to create for yourself a life that is amazing and feels amazing - not one that just looks like it on the outside.

If you are serious about taking the leap from ‘appropriate + acceptable,’ to ‘I am committed to do life my way,’ but don’t know where to begin or what’s next for you…... I am currently welcoming in a small handful of women to join a six-month training called ‘Permission to Leap.’ The program will provide support, step-by-step guidance, and massive intuitive visioning + planning in the leap process.

 Because while it sounds super easy from this perspective of the first commitment, it’s one hell of a process + journey. A journey that has more rolls, corkscrews, lifts, drops, knots, turns, and tunnels than any roller coaster you’ll ever ride. And having someone (or 14 others) by your side, riding it with you, can be the difference between staying the course and choosing to bail at the emergency exit mid-way through.

I’m officially giving you permission to leap.